Lately I have found myself questioning what is important to me, what it is that truly makes me happy, and if it is true that things happen for a reason. If you had told me ten years ago that I would be living this life today and walking the path that this life has taken me on I would not have believed it. I have always had a rambling spirit and enjoyed living life whimsically, and very spur of the moment, I find the best adventures start with no plan and on a whim. It is one of the things that drives my husband nuts about me i work at my own pace and flutter from project to project as i see fit where as he is a very detailed and mapped out kind of individual, it works for us I bring whimsy and chaos and he ropes it in and creates the calm, keeping us on track.
Almost 7 years ago now our lives were forever changed when we welcomed into our hearts the first of 4, yes that's right 4 beautiful children, I can not imagine my life now without them and they each bring their own distinct little personality to our household they hold the pieces of my heart that i did not even realize were missing. Staring into my daughters eyes when she has her head tilted stubbornly to the side and seeing myself reflected back at me or hearing the very distinct voice of my oldest son as he is reasoning through something I see my husband in him, my third little munchkin brings happiness always and walks around in a state of kaos that is distinctly me, and our youngest is a mix of the two of us even at not quite a year yet his personality is all his own and he completes the craziness that is our family.
Our life is not an easy life, we live a very "puzzeling" life with a side of military thrown in just to keep it interesting. Our oldest was diagnosed with Autism 3.5 years ago and just a few weeks ago our second son was diagnosed. There truly is never a dull moment around our house and I feel that it is because of my free spirit personality that I am able to take it all in and handle it as well as I do, it is not something that I could have ever imagined having to deal with and often get told by others I could not do what you do, But the reality is I don't have a choice, I deal with it because it has to be dealt with, I deal with it because my kids deserve it and are worth it and I deal with it because that's what families do they rally the troops and stand together no matter what. This does not mean that I do not have break downs on the contrary I do and when I do they are full out crying till my head hurts and I can't stop sobbing break downs or eating a tub of ice cream on my own with a side of cake, I am human and only one person dealing with a whole heck of a lot of life.
Somewhere over the course of this crazy chaotic life I have lost me, I have lost the person that I knew and loved and I need to find her again, I need to find my inner happiness so that I can be a better mom to my kids, a better wife and a better me! I don't know yet what that is going to entail but I do know that I feel calm when I write and it helps me to see life a little bit clearer. I am not going to commit to a regimented schedule of blogging every day but am going to try to write once a week, but will not beat myself up about it if life happens and I can't commit to that, and there may be times when i write every day, lets just say i will write when the whim hits me, it helps with my creativity and is a lot cheaper then therapy.
Well thats me for today, just trying to live life one puzzle piece at a time.
J
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